Living in the city usually means living in smaller spaces. Given the expense of real estate relative to suburban and rural areas, we simply get “less bang for the buck” when it comes to square footage. To reduce expenses—or to share a life with someone we love—we end up living with others, typically roommates or a romantic partner. As a result, we’re often in fairly cramped quarters as we struggle to carve out some personal space and share household responsibilities.
This kind of crowded living isn’t easy. In fact, it’s inherently stressful. Research shows that animals like rats and monkeys turn against each other when given too little space to live in (Calhoun 1962). Fortunately, it doesn’t get to the point where we’re gnawing on our roommates or hurling faeces, but we do get stressed and irritable, and tend to act out in more human like ways. We “forget” to take out the trash or decide to wash only our own dishes. We ruminate about the ways our roommates or partners aren’t doing their “fair share” to maintain the household. I walk the dog, pay the bills, and go grocery shopping, while he can’t even put away his coat, we think.
As we get progressively more bitter and resentful, we’re more likely to act out in unhealthy ways, perhaps by becoming argumentative and making snarky, passive-aggressive comments. We decide unilaterally to change our household responsibilities and just focus on doing things for ourselves. For example, we might decide to buy only the food we like.
In such circumstances, we clearly feel miserable. With our negative thoughts and retaliatory actions, we ruin the present moment. That glass a roommate abandoned on the kitchen table, complete with sour, stale milk, isn’t as noxious as we make it out to be. We can promptly dispose of smelly milk. It’s the perceived disrespect and lack of consideration that are more troubling. Through our judgements, we perpetuate our own dissatisfaction—it’s our own fault we feel bad! Sure, the glass might be a catalyst, but the recrimination and perceived insult is what actually makes us feel angry and disappointed.
If you’ve had these kinds of experiences with your roommate or partner, you clearly need to approach the situation a little differently:
Become aware of what’s going through your mind. What are you telling yourself about what’s happening right now?
Consider whether or not a problem exists in this present moment. What, if anything, is wrong right now? Does the dog need to be walked? Do the dishes need to be washed? Do you need to eat dinner?
Accept that the situation is as it is. Telling yourself it “should” or “shouldn’t” be this way makes it difficult to reach any constructive solution.
Objectively consider the problem in terms of specific behaviour. What action can you take—or try to get your roommate or partner to take—to solve the problem? Be aware of when you use judgemental language. Wanting your partner or roommate to be “more respectful” is a nice goal, but it’s also too ambiguous. What do you mean by “more respectful” or whatever judgemental language you’re using? See if you can articulate in behavioural terms what you would like.
If none of these strategies works, you might simply need some time alone. Research shows that we find overcrowding stressful because of a lack of desired privacy (Ramsden 2009). So maybe the dissatisfaction you feel while talking with your roommate or partner comes from doing so at a time when you would rather be alone. In such circumstances, discuss your need for more solitude and see what arrangements you can make. Though initiating this conversation might be awkward at first, it prevents future arguments and helps you feel more relaxed at home.
This kind of crowded living isn’t easy. In fact, it’s inherently stressful. Research shows that animals like rats and monkeys turn against each other when given too little space to live in (Calhoun 1962). Fortunately, it doesn’t get to the point where we’re gnawing on our roommates or hurling faeces, but we do get stressed and irritable, and tend to act out in more human like ways. We “forget” to take out the trash or decide to wash only our own dishes. We ruminate about the ways our roommates or partners aren’t doing their “fair share” to maintain the household. I walk the dog, pay the bills, and go grocery shopping, while he can’t even put away his coat, we think.
As we get progressively more bitter and resentful, we’re more likely to act out in unhealthy ways, perhaps by becoming argumentative and making snarky, passive-aggressive comments. We decide unilaterally to change our household responsibilities and just focus on doing things for ourselves. For example, we might decide to buy only the food we like.
In such circumstances, we clearly feel miserable. With our negative thoughts and retaliatory actions, we ruin the present moment. That glass a roommate abandoned on the kitchen table, complete with sour, stale milk, isn’t as noxious as we make it out to be. We can promptly dispose of smelly milk. It’s the perceived disrespect and lack of consideration that are more troubling. Through our judgements, we perpetuate our own dissatisfaction—it’s our own fault we feel bad! Sure, the glass might be a catalyst, but the recrimination and perceived insult is what actually makes us feel angry and disappointed.
If you’ve had these kinds of experiences with your roommate or partner, you clearly need to approach the situation a little differently:
Become aware of what’s going through your mind. What are you telling yourself about what’s happening right now?
Consider whether or not a problem exists in this present moment. What, if anything, is wrong right now? Does the dog need to be walked? Do the dishes need to be washed? Do you need to eat dinner?
Accept that the situation is as it is. Telling yourself it “should” or “shouldn’t” be this way makes it difficult to reach any constructive solution.
Objectively consider the problem in terms of specific behaviour. What action can you take—or try to get your roommate or partner to take—to solve the problem? Be aware of when you use judgemental language. Wanting your partner or roommate to be “more respectful” is a nice goal, but it’s also too ambiguous. What do you mean by “more respectful” or whatever judgemental language you’re using? See if you can articulate in behavioural terms what you would like.
If none of these strategies works, you might simply need some time alone. Research shows that we find overcrowding stressful because of a lack of desired privacy (Ramsden 2009). So maybe the dissatisfaction you feel while talking with your roommate or partner comes from doing so at a time when you would rather be alone. In such circumstances, discuss your need for more solitude and see what arrangements you can make. Though initiating this conversation might be awkward at first, it prevents future arguments and helps you feel more relaxed at home.
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